You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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