Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
