That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Is that strawberry winking at me??
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
