I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
