wrigley field is MILF paradise
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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