fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
