Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
