im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Are we still banned from the library?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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