the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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