Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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