i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
