I wish my penis had an off switch
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
