Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
