This girl is more easily done than said...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
