this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
