If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
