We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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