can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
