I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
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I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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