The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
