she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
