Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
