Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
