don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
