He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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