So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
