The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
