Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
