Just fell off a train. Bad.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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