The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's never too late to be topless.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
