**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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