This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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