im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This gyro tastes like lonliness
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
