im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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