I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
