i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
