foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize