I must be too annoying 4 u.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
