You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
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i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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