She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
