This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
