My room smells like vodka and shame
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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