I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
