u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
