She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
