I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
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She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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