My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
