I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
