it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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