i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
