Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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