whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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