Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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