Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
