His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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