i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I wear drunk well.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
