Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
