I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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